The year is 1998. I'm in eighth grade health class. We're doing a project that involves charting our growth from infancy to the current day. And I'm embarrassed to turn in my project. I don't want the teacher - or any of my classmates - to know how much I weigh. Or rather, how little I weigh - less than 70 lbs.
I spent a long time being known as "the skinny one" and everyone felt they had the right to comment on my size: "You're so skinny! I hate you!" "You need to eat more!" "How do you do it?" Even Eli believed, when he met me, that I was secretly bulimic.
Three years and thirty more pounds later, I had an identity crisis. No longer "the skinny one," I had no way to stand out. I believed I had failed. I tried to lose the weight - I started a crash diet of 600 calories a day and manic exercising. It worked, for a while - but I was miserable and quit (thank goodness!) and the weight came back.
Flash forward to last week at work. A woman with a clipboard comes by and pulls me aside. They're ordering colored jeans for all the female employees to wear! Fun! She needs to know what size pants I wear. I have no idea. "Eight? Sometimes six...no, Junior's sizes? 9, maybe 11? 13, to be safe?" She looks me up and down skeptically, and after a pause, declares, "I'm marking you down for a 9." I let her do it...and then panic that they won't fit when they come in.
The truth is, I have no idea what size I am. And I really don't care. After two years of self-loathing and blame, I decided I no longer have the energy to devote to worrying about what other people think about my looks. It doesn't matter what they think, it matters what I think!
This is me - ALL of me! 5'8", 129.2 lbs!
I don't think I need to change a thing!
Except my self-timer skills.
Yikes.
Share your pride!
Link up with Rachele at The Nearsighted Owl!
Posts
Well I think that you look amazing! I don't know what clothes size I am either, but I am happy how I am and I don't want to change for others xx
ReplyDeletewww.almostdelightful.com
It's so weird that there's so much importance placed on a woman's size, yet we get so many mixed messages about size from different clothes companies? I wear all different sized clothes from small to extra large and they all feel the same. It's almost like...size doesn't matter!
DeleteI wish I was as tall as you are! I'm only 5"1" so staying slim isn't too easy.
ReplyDeleteIt's also good to see that you're proud of your size because it's the only body you've got ;)!
Madie
x
www.athinkinggirl.blogspot.co.uk
Right on! As I always say, "You can either lose weight or buy bigger clothes." It's easier to just accept yourself than punish yourself for "failing" in some crazy system.
DeleteI'm sorry you went through such a hard time for quite a while there! Luckily you came through and found yourself and the body you love. That is so, so very important and you are beautiful!
ReplyDeleteThank you so much!!! I'm such a fan of yours so that means a lot!!
DeleteI love this post. I recently posted about my own happiness in my own skin, and I love reading about other people who also have come to accept and love their bodies in the same way. You're beautiful! Rock it :)
ReplyDeleteThank you for visiting!
DeleteMeghan, this is awesome. I would have never thought that you were self-conscious of your size. I don't think I ever saw you as the skinny one. I was too busy seeing myself as the "bigger one". I'm glad you've been able to just accept it for what it is. I think it's actually nice that you don't know what size you are. Clothing sizes are BS anyway. Just wear what feels comfortable.
ReplyDeleteHa! let that be a lesson to everyone who's self-conscious about their bodies! That most people go about focused on their own struggles and never even notice you to judge you. Can that be said more eloquently? Not to worry about what other people think of you, because they're not thinking of you, they're thinking of what you must be thinking of them? Yikes. Too much for a cross-stitch pillow, that's for sure.
DeleteGah, I basically went through the same thing. I had the figure of a scrawny boy until I was 18, and hated it! Ha! But yes, I eventually came to the same conclusion thank goodness!!
ReplyDeletep.s. cute dress!
Thanks! I bought it second-hand! Several years ago. It used to fit really loose, even though it's a stretchy material. Now it's snug but still comfy! I love the fringe! I feel like a flapper!
DeleteYay jumping photo! Thanks for sharing your story <3
ReplyDeleteThanks for hosting this link-up! It's awesome to see so much positivity on the internet!
DeleteI'm 5'8 too! And usually float around 125-130 so where are totally the same size! I was never the super skinny girl, so I can't exactly relate to the identity crisis, but I definitely agree with the consensus here: you look fabulous, healthy, and happy! Yay!
ReplyDeleteThank you! 5'8" and 130 lbs is perfectly healthy! Showbusiness is so tough and makes it feel like it's not good enough, but it's important to remember that a lifetime of health is better than anemia, low bone density and the lasting effects of eating disorders, which I see a lot in our profession!
Delete