The Unspoken Rules of the Subway

1. Never attempt to engage fellow passengers in conversation.

2. Crying babies must be ignored by passengers and their own mothers.

3. With regards to personal grooming: if you wouldn't do it in a restaurant, don't do it on the subway. Applying makeup: okay. Cutting your toenails? NOT OKAY.

4. If you are playing house or reggaeton music, please keep it to yourself. If you're playing John Lennon or George Michael, turn it up.

5. One seat per person.

6. Seats are first-come, first-serve. Passengers forced to stand are entitled to glare at seated passengers for the duration of their ride, and should they be lucky enough to sit, they must flounce down dramatically and sigh so the whole car is made aware of their long-standing suffering.

7. If you have bought smelly awful food on the train with you, please keep it covered. If you have brought delicious treats, be prepared to share.

8. Passengers must accept passing compliments graciously. Complimenters must not engage in further conversation.

9. Directions are to be given liberally when asked for with no judgement.