Saturday, February 27, 2010

3 Alternate Titles for the Sex and the City Movie

"The Devil Wears Prada...and Louis Vuitton...and Manolo Blahnik..."

"Bride Whores"

"How To Lose A Guy in 2 1/2 Hours"

Movie Review - I Love You, Beth Cooper

The late 80's - early 90's called, they want their teen sex comedy back.

The fastest way to make your mediocre movie seem like a better movie is to repeatedly quote classice movies to trick the audience into thinking they're seeing the better movie.

Thursday, February 25, 2010

Tim Burton's Creative Process

Step 1: Find a classic story to plagiarize.

Step 2: Get high.

Step 3: Strap wife into a corset and tangle her hair.

Step 4: Throw the original story in a garbage can, urinate on it, and burn it.

Step 5: Make out with Johnny Depp.

Step 6: Follow HBC around with a camera for a week while she shrieks and hams and mugs.

Step 7: Make out with Johnny Depp and film it.

Step 8: Add CGI.

Step 9: Cut out any parts of the movie that further the plot, or do not feature HBC or Johnny mugging shamelessly.

Step 10: Multi-billion dollar marketing campaign.

I Love Closed Captions!!!

Funny Website: Texts From Last Night

http://www.textsfromlastnight.com/

I feel good knowing that so many people out there have problems I can relate to...and so many that I will, hopefully, never relate to.

Everyone Just Wants To Feel Validated

engrish funny do something
see more Engrish

Supermodels Know Best...Sort Of.

To the girl who is allergic to water, but miraculously, she can drink Diet Coke: "You should get yourself an endorsement from Diet Coke!"

To the girl who can't eat anything because it makes her instantly throw up, except for Tic Tacs: "Talk to the girl who's allergic to water, ya'll should get endorsement deals!"

To...who?: "Take some bread, butter it and add lots of salt and pepper, close your eyes and pretend you're eating fried chicken...it tastes just the same!"

Tyra Banks: Changing The World.

A Lesson We Could All Heed

Example A
see more Friends of Irony

What We Learn From Wife Swap

1. There are a lot of crazy people who think it's perfectly okay to withdraw from society and live a fantasy life.

2. The prettier the woman, the crazier she is on the inside.

3. Homeschooling is NEVER okay.

Saturday, February 20, 2010

I Can't Make This, er, STUFF, Up.

The current issue of British Vogue has an article about POOP. Here's how I imagine the meeting where that happened went down:

EDITOR of VOGUE: So, Kathy, what are you writing about for this week's issue?

KATHY, the PRESUMED WRITER OF THE POOP ARTICLE: (under her breath, as she realizes she forgot to come to the meeting with any ideas): Shit!

EDITOR of VOGUE: Excellent. Kathy will be writing about shit. What will the fashion spreads be about?

...And of course, a Starbucks, because they're, well, everywhere...

The terminal at Heathrow Airport has the following amenities:

A French bistro.

A Tiffany's store.

A small branch of Herrod's.

A Thai restaurant.

An imported chocolates, champagne, and perfume area.

A small Hamley's, a toy store akin to F.A.O. Schwartz.

A Rolex store.

So it took me half an hour to find a Cosmo, a Vogue, and a sandwich.

Fine Line Between Conserving Water and ...

pardon the joke, "being anal about it"...

The toilets in England have two settings: "Standard" and "Ideal". One uses less water, the other uses EVEN LESS WATER. Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't England an island? The last thing they should be worried about is running out of water.

JFK International Airport...

is every bit as intimidating as its namesake, who put a man on the moon and bagged Marilyn Monroe.

Back in the US of A

Observations About Britain and London Specifically:

1. Americans are all led to believe that British humour is intensely sarcastic and cruel. This may be true, or it may be England's biggest joke on us. They're being rude to our faces and getting away with it. I propose throwing more tea in a river.

2. Even in the dead of winter, London's youth walk the streets in short sleeves, shorts and miniskirts.

3. Teenagers in the suburbs of London love Rihanna.

4. Cream tea implies tea with cream in it, but this is not the case.

5. All the cars in England look like either Model T's or Eve from Wall-E.

Saturday, February 6, 2010

Somebody Tell Me I'm Not Making This Up

There's this pseudo-educational program on Adult Swim at 12:45 on Friday nights that is so brilliant I'm afraid I fell asleep and dreamed it. A sample: "Germs originated in Germany before spreading throughout the world".

Friday, February 5, 2010

Love Me Some Lady Gaga...and Bichon Frises


See What I Mean???


They'll call them, "J-humans"

The Duggars terrify me. This is my thought process why:

1. In twenty-five years they have produced 19 offspring.

2. All 19 were homeschooled by their fanatically religious parents and older siblings, to believe in their parent's fanatically religious doctrine which believes the outside world is to be feared and avoided.

3. The irony of this being, the parents probably don't believe in evolution and teach their children against it; however, they are demostrating one of the key aspects of evolutionary biology and pshycology - inclusive fitness - producing as many offspring as possible to populate the area with as many "copies of yourself" as you can.

4. This leads me to believe that they are trying to create a population of themselves, isolated from all humanity, to become a cult or clan of their own species.

Not As Fun As One Would Think


Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Summary of The Real World: Washington D.C.

Ashley is angry, Callie hates herself, Ty and Emily love/hate each other and Andrew just wants some panda-head.

Movie Review - Zombieland

Bill Murray's greatest movie work EVER.

Movie Review - Persepolis

I just don't understand - why was so much importance placed on the flowers in her Grandmother's bra?

Monday, February 1, 2010

Early Valentine


ANTM Disclaimer

Watching America's Next Top Model may cause decreased IQ, lowered self image and ingestion of unhealthy foods as sympathetic overcompensation.

It's a Conspiracy!!!

I can't believe Lady Gaga only won one Grammy. It must be the Grammy committee is made up of gay-hating right-wing Republicans who hate fun.
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